I don’t, fundamentally, understand how people can become addicted to something. The reason I don’t understand it is that, even when I’ve been exposed to something that could possibly be addictive, I realize that it’s harmful to me and stop. When I start to feel out of whack or abnormal, I stop doing it. Maybe I just question the motives too much… I don’t know.
There is one thing that I do understand the addiction to…
Alcohol. I’ve heard it a million times. It takes the edge off. It keeps you from being “there”. I don’t know why, but I totally understand that. For the last week or 2, I’ve just had so many things get thrown at me that are very, very negative and I haven’t been able to deal with them. I haven’t been able to sleep. I just keep thinking about ways to solve them. I think about ways to deal with them. I think about ignoring them. All this thinking and anxiety keeps me up. The last few days, though… I’ve been able to sleep. I slug back enough alcohol to get myself buzzed and I pass out and wake up the next morning not even realizing when I fell asleep. I feel rested, though. Groggy, but rested. Alcohol has taken the edge off and made me not think about anything. It has made me a realist.
While this sounds really bad, I assure you that I’m not an alcoholic (at least I don’t think I am). I can probably stop whenever I feel like it at the expense of not being able to sleep again. I don’t really want to resort to pills or anything, I just want to sleep. I enjoy drinking, it’s just unfortunate that I have to drink by myself (with the exception of this last weekend, which I dearly thank my friends for… you guys were just what I needed). For the first time, I don’t have answers and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know the why’s and how’s of any of my current situations and it’s really driving me nuts. What’d I do? How do I get out of this? What do I tell my mom? What can I say to my dad? How can I help my family? Why don’t I keep friends? Etc, etc, etc… ad nauseum.
I hate to say it, but alcohol is my savior. I wish I had someone else to turn to but I don’t. The people that I wanted to be there aren’t and weren’t. That is something I have to deal with. As such… I’ve been drinkin’ about them more than I should be… 